Soccer, The Jihad Way

An actual fatwa on soccer, as related by Michael Ledeen in National Review:

1. Eliminate the four lines defining the playing area;

2. Ban the use of language like "foul," "penalty kick," "corner kick," "goal," and "out of bounds." Anyone who says such things must be thrown out of the game and duly punished;

3. You can’t stop playing just because you break your hand or foot. And no yellow or red card for anyone who does that to you. No way. You drag the opponent into a proper sharia court and testify against him;

4. Since the infidels have eleven players on a side, Muslims must have either more or less, but not that satanic number;

5. Proper dress codes must be enforced, no colorful shirts and shorts, and no numbers;

This is the only time you need wory about dress codes. When you progress to Jihad, you can then dress as women, police, ambulance drivers...

6. Remember that this is preparation for jihad, don’t waste time celebrating a win;

Probably because you will have blown yourself to kingdom come, so save the celebration for the afterlife, I guess.

7. Change the length of the game from the usual 45-minute halves;

8. In fact, no halves. Either play the whole game non-stop, or have three periods (remember that the infidels play two halves);

For there is no rest in the war on the infidel!

9. If the game is tied at the end of regulation, that’s it. No overtime, no penalty kicks;

10. No referee. That’s obvious, since you can’t talk about fouls, corner kicks, or any of the other things that referees decide;

11. No fans. If soccer is preparation for jihad, why would anyone watch? They should be getting ready for jihad themselves;

12. After the game, no comments about either the outcome or the merits of the players. You can talk about how your body feels (your muscles are stronger, so you’re going to do better when it’s jihad time, etc.);

13. No cross bar on the net. Two poles will do just fine;

14. If anyone tries to hug a player who has scored, uh (can’t say "goal"), inserted the ball between the posts, "you should spit in his face, punish him, and reprimand him, for what do joy, hugging and kissing have to do with sports?";

15. No substitutions.

"Hey, Mustaffa, my ankle's sore. Can you carry this suicide bomb for me?

Ledeen closes:

You might think that this is so ridiculous that it was laughed out of civil society, but you would be wrong (and the society isn’t civil, anyway)...

It’s an odd thing to believe, even for an Islamofascist. After all, Osama himself is said to have rooted for Arsenal when he lived in England, and Khomeini himself, than which nobody grimmer can be conceived, actually played the game. But times have changed, as the power of the clerical fascists has expanded over a new generation of believers.